The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and we went to visit the Pacific Ocean – yet something else that is blue. It suited my mood today — just feeling a bit on the sad side of things. Not depressed – just glum. As much as I try to view each day with a positive energy – these kind of days sneak up on me and I have learned to flow with them. I make the effort as a mother and educator that all feelings are valid and real – understanding them and processing them is how we move forward.
Ryleigh is struggling again – she is trying not to be that grumpy but she is feeling really poorly. This results in poor sleeps and lack of energy to do really anything but rest in bed. She can manage outings as long as we are driving and walking maybe a half a block. Chloe continues to be in pain but is using various techniques to try and experience more normal activities. She is still learning about pacing and making sure that she does not do too much to set her back.
We decided to drive down to White Rock and Crescent Beach. I had the hopes of getting out and sitting by the ocean – enjoying the sea air and sounds of the beach. But, it was a long weekend and parking was almost non-existent, even with a disabled parking decal we had trouble finding spots. Both the girls have difficulty walking any distances so we spent most of the time in the car admiring the view, looking at some beautiful houses, and listening to the radio. Ryleigh really enjoyed driving around, as did Chloe. I think it was a chance to get outside of our little apartment without having to expend too much energy.
Days like today are difficult for me – I think about what other teens are doing – hanging out with friends, going swimming, sleepovers, summer jobs, bike riding, etc. I struggle with the fact that I am delighted that my girls can tolerate being up and about (riding in a car) for a couple hours like it is an amazing feat. I am hard on myself as there were times that Chloe and Ryleigh were doing normal kid things and I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. I spent a lot of time worrying if they were behaving, doing there chores, following expectations etc…instead of enjoying the laughter, fun, and enthusiasm they had for simple daily activities.
A number of people have made comments about my strength and endurance through all of these setbacks and challenges. I am not sure how else someone would be — falling apart and not being there 100% for Chloe and Ryleigh is not even a possibility. There really is no choice in the matter. One does what one has to do.
Everyone faces adversity and challenges in their life. A parent facing the first cold that their newborn gets is as stressful as a child dealing with a chronic illness. It is hard to se your child sick and suffering whatever the circumstance.
The nice thing about blue days is they become blue nights and then the next day is a start over. I am a firm believer in start overs. I am confident tomorrow will be a brighter day for me and because I let myself feel the bluish tinge of sadness I can move forward.